How You’re Shaping Your Identity – Without Being Aware of It

The article “The Perils of Audience Capture” opens with the fascinating – and disturbing – story of the transformation of Nicholas Perry into “Nikocado Avocado”. You may wonder why I am sharing this article with you, as at first blush it doesn’t seem to be related to the world of how to work and live well, which is my usual area of focus. You might think that the idea of a “captive audience” has nothing to do with you. But, I think that this challenge goes well beyond the world of online content producers and influencers. The lessons apply to all of us.

We are all deeply involved in continually reshaping our identities, even if we are not aware of it. We use feedback and signals from others to help shape these identities. This goes back to our deep need to “fit into the tribe”; we have evolved as social animals and getting excluded from the tribe would have likely meant death. But what is interesting is that this feedback does not come directly from people around us, but from how we imagine what they are seeing in us. Fascinating. We perform for others, like actors on a stage, fulfilling the expectations that we think that they have of us.

That means a couple of important things.

You need to be careful of who you spend your time with. Once you understand that the people surrounding you are actually shaping who you are and how you behave, you realize the importance of being around people that align with who you wish to become.
You need to be very clear about who you want to be. If you don’t have a strong sense of this, you are likely to become what people in your circle want you to be. You will unconsciously adjust who you are to “fit in” with the people in your life.

That is why I am such a big proponent of reflection and introspection. It is crucial to make time to think, to dream, and to get a genuine sense of what you actually want out of life. It shocks me how few people know what they want, other than the obviously not thought through responses of “I want more money.” and “I just want to be happy.”. I don’t mean to be rude, but if that’s the type of shallow response to the question of what you want from life, you really need to spend some time thinking.

You need to understand where you are coming from, why you think and act how you do, and figure out where you are trying to head. That will allow you to set yourself the right goals to get there and give you signals if you are drifting too much from that direction.

If you’re not clear on the direction you want to head, you’ll wander aimlessly. Or worse, you’ll allow others to point you in the direction they want you to go. Neither of these strategies will work out well for you over the long term.

Sit down and think until you know what you want, with clarity. That’s the first – and by far the most important – step towards living an amazing life.

Quotation that I’ve been pondering

As we age, we lose flexibility. We become more rigid, more set in our ways. We take ourselves way too seriously. However, meaningful work is almost always the product of curiosity and play. Which is why I love this quote by Thomas Henry Huxley:

“The secret of genius is to carry the spirit of childhood into maturity.”

Journal prompt

This week’s journal prompt relates to the above quotation. I am convinced it is worth spending some time reflecting on it:

“How can I bring more playfulness into my work?”

Take a few minutes to consider how you might make your work more playful and then commit to trying one small idea. Implementing this idea will be uncomfortable. You will worry about how people perceive you, thinking that they won’t consider you seriously. Do it anyway and observe what happens.

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